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2003-01-16 | 12:12 a.m.
_

It's 12:12, make a wish

If you know me and you've heard this before, bear with me. And if you're rolling your eyes right now, fuck you. You aren't me. You all have something like this that feels equally as tedious to the rest of us and we care despite your inaction you perpetuate on such a pressing matter.

My mom had me when she was 17. I have never met, nor seen pictures of my father, even though he lived within a 10 minute drive of me all my childhood. I was just staring in the mirror for a good 10 minutes trying to make a connection between my face and my family I know, and it didn't happen. It's just not there. I look like a stranger to them.

I went fishing with my aunt this fall in Ithaca. On the drive home, she mentionted (again) how much I resemble and am like my family that I don't know.

I have had many moments since I was 16 where the thought of this paralysed me.

Well, what woud you do? Calling a stranger who has placed so much ownership and influence on your life unwillingly. I can't decide the right time. I have, often, expressed to anyone in my family who knew him and his family to help me make this step, and as much as they seem gung ho at the time about it, I wait for them to do something and it never comes.

When I was a senior in high school, I still took the bus. My step dad sold my Chevelle 3 months before I got my license. There was a 7th grader on the bus who I used to observe. She looked like me, parts of her. Her eyes, eyebrows, mouth. it took me off guard and I would just look at her, it freaked me out. One day, my mom said, "Do y'know that girl who lives up the street? She is your cousin. Your aunt's daughter. " Ahh, mom, twist another dagger into my recent freak out.

So now, I am left with knowing:

A. that I will die; and:

B: I haven't tried to contact him

I used to take the bus to Worcester when I was in high school. Once, I saw this man whom I was sure was my father, he had my eyes, hair, expression. I got off the bus and sat numbly for hours.

So much has fallen apart, thankfully, maybe the time is now for it to all come unravelled.


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