Money. It�s so abstract. It is paper representing what? Blood, sweat and fears? The stability of the government? Gold in Fort Knox (which is really just a heavier version of the abstraction, isn�t it)? That the current brand of human is so used to living with it and for it, they can�t even imagine that their existence doesn�t depend on it or isn�t enhanced by it. Take away money and religion and politics. Where are you? And more importantly, who are you? I can�t bring myself to job search. I know that I need to get money, but what I want to do is reinvent, or at least customize, human existence according to my own beliefs.

The lack of sincerity and denial in this society is shocking. My only goal, if and when I have children, is to bring them up to be sincere beings. Being sincere doesn�t make you perfect. I fight everyday to push away the insincerity that was instilled in me in my development from family and society. I realized that I strive for honest relationships with people, which may not be easy and often are difficult, but at least they are real. I think that�s what I was failing to explain or come to terms with on why the ex and I broke up. His sincerity was severely clouded, and I could never put my finger directly on what made me so uncomfortable with his affection. When we would speak about non-emotional things, like music gear, was when I liked him the best. When it came to relating to people (and I think it was an honest to goodness coping mechanism born out of his tumultuous childhood) he shut off and just went through the motions.

Damn, I�m going on and on, but I have to think about something other than boys who are not calling me�.