I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't stop crying. I'm also glad I'm old enough not to expect or want sympathy. it's much better, in my opinion, to be ignored or disliked becuase then you know what's going on and how people feel. I don't tell people when I'm upset with them, i just let it blow over in my head. You hurt me, whatever. I'm still alive. I don't know how else to deal with things. When i tell people that they hurt my feelings, they retreat. I'd rather let it go than let them go.

I think I have a fever.

The only thing I want is to be happy. And if you think I'm complaining-FUCK YOU-this is the goddamned place I'm allowed to do it. That was just a disclaimer, I'm not mad. I'm really numb. Numb. Numb. Numb. I have 8 books I've written things in and no one cares what's going on in or went on in my dirty little brain. That's fucking fine, but I really wish I had known all along, just a thought.

My self destruction is banal. Even i recognize that. I hate working in a cube and I want to make money selling my photography. Or music or something. Only, the way my brain works is that I see an immense pile of never ending shit and in the middle is what i want to be, but all i have is these stubby little hands to shovel it with.