Kelly is an updating fucking maniac. Fucking, as in all the forms of the word FUCK, is back full-on-swinging-titties-over-the-photocopier in my vernacular. YES!!!!!!

Christina Aguilera, you can be as fucking dirty, raunchy, and uneducated as you want. Girl, you rock. Honesty is the best policy. KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON! HOO HOO!

Trey Parker, even though you are 10 years older than Kelly and you live in L.A. and you have a chubby belly, you'd better get your ass here quick like a horny bunny and fucking marry her. Thanks, you're a fucking peach.

Debbie, duct tape is hott, don't ever forget that. A red duct tape wallet given to a guy guarantees endless head, you just gotta find him. Good luck. Cancer camp 14 year olds (even if they are 21 now) sooooo DON'T COUNT, so stop that dirty thought train right now, you naughty girl.

Davey Von Bohlen, what the fuck? I thought when you gave me that Milwuakee Brewers baseball card at your show on your 24th birthday that meant you were going to marry me? I don't care if you're a rock star, I don't even mind that you're blad. You went and married someone behind my back? And she's taller than you too, isn't she? Fuckor.

John Mayer, Jennifer Love Hewwit? Boo. Were you on crack? Did you confuse her for J Lo? Gross, I don't like you anymore.

Dildo party people, I really only bought a dildo becuase I felt bad for the hostess becuase all you cheap fucks didn't. I'm not going to ever take it out of the package. I swear. P.S. lying is underrated.

Guy from Dashboard Confessional, Fucking GET OVER IT, you're a fucking ROCK STAR, get another fucking girlfriend and shut the fuck up. There's got to be at least 500 hot, wet pussys in every city you go to. What is the problem? Die.

Every indie guy in every indie band, GET A NEW FUCKING HAIRCUT! DO YOU HAVE A MIND OF YOUR OWN OR NOT? Apparently not. Big ups to Jason Reece for not having that haircut.

Goodnight, my muffins

FUCK!

ITunes: Spoon and BSB and YYYs and Go Gos and Tone Loc

Fuck

Fuckity